my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
