we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
