He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
