i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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