it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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