Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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