Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Randomize
