someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
