At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
