Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I would fuck him just for his dog
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
