i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
