Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
