No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
