I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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