what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
