I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
