Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
