just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
