I think I won the penis lottery.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
