I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
