So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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