Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
