true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
