I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
