i already hear my dad disowning me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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