He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
