Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
