yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
