I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I understand Curling. That high.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
