Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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