i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
ugly people sure do ruin things
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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