I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
