A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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