He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
