I have demons in me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
