Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
