We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Your cock deserves a montage
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
