I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
