true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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