His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
