I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
NoShamevember. You game?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Come on in and take your pants off
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
