woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
