WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
