I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
