He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
