I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he fucked my hip out of place.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
