Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
