His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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