are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
