I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
